Thursday, 15 May 2014

The final posting of all time

15 MAY 2014

Bravo Little Bird!

Captain Sensible has sold this property to a wonderful young French couple who would like to have a baby!   Oh how joyous I would feel if that were to happen.  It would bring new life to the hameau!
God bless them.
The young lady spoke of a 'coup de coeur' for the cottage, I know exactly how her heart speaks.

Captain Sensible and HIS Sweetpea, not forgetting Little Feat and Big Feet had many magical moments in that house. Let us not forget the heartache but also let us not forget the joys we had there. WE DID ACHIEVE the rural romantic notion of living in an idyllic house, in an idyllic countryside, in an idyllic country.  We WERE happy for days! We were also deeply unhappy in our own skin for years! We paid the price!

In the last six weeks of his residence, for I'd moved out in May 2010,  returned for shelter at his invitation as my house was uninhabitable, then left again on 4th June 2011, we spent the time being sort of happy together.  After that he came to live with me for two weeks, now that he was homeless.

There was much to clear in his attic which once contained my boxes.  Then when my boxes were removed in 2010 it continued to contain his books and stuff that it appeared he had never looked at since then. Funny that once he had threatened to burn all my boxes that were stored there!

There was much to clear in his workshop. Despite me being in UK for four weeks he said he had rationalised it, sorted it, and maybe he had, but it didn't look that way to me.  Now those boxes of tools and building stuff are being stored in my stable/garage building.

There was much to clear in the garden. I inherited old pamments to make a pathway in my garden if I can find a helper.  I also inherited my garden tools and his garden tools and other useful items, such as black bins and kindling wood, and oak logs which I paid for and yet realised I'd already paid for!!

In the house, we moved most of the furniture which I had left with him to my house as he possessed hardly any furniture.  His single mattress is now in store.  An old table he was given could be up-cycled by someone I know who does that with oak.

I have a friend who will take the washing machine as I already bought a new one four years ago. The fridge and freezer have come back to me and I am so grateful because I had a fridge that was a freezer.

We moved clothing and kitchen items, bits and bobs which might be useful such as lightbulbs, batteries, lamps etc to my house, all into my attic to sort as I hope to have a yard sale. I dearly would like people to help me!

Then there was the big sweep of unwanted debris in all areas. Whoosh needed several trailer loads delivered to the dechetterie... that is, the skip!

His personal effects are being stored at my house and in my other property. He spent two weeks living with me whilst he booked his flight ticket and packed only 10kg of belongings!
He has gone travelling! 
He is now of no fixed abode!

It was very satisfying and exactly was what I needed to form a kind of closure on a life that once was mine!
I feel free! 
He probably feels free despite his anxiety... I hope so... and I hope he heals and grows on his travels.  He was a great friend!

Thank you for Captain Sensible and Thank you Village de Vaux for all the coup de coeur, for all the heartache, from which I know I have learned lessons in life but it has taken me between 2003 and 2014, when he was the owner of this property. 
It took too long to disband the dream that went wonky! But I now know in hindsight that it was all meant to be!  I only regret that we could not resolve the battles in each of us and between us!  That was sadness and my regret! 

Good bye Captain Sensible and HIS Sweetpea.
Goodbye Village de Vaux.

Sunday, 9 February 2014

A Ballad of Tears not Pleasures, A Ballad of Pleasures not Tears

9th February 2014

Village de Vaux is being sold.

We don't walk together anymore at this house.

Maybe in the future we may walk together as friends.

Through joy and sorrow, love and pain, we came to France to have things to do and people to see and places to go to.

Sometimes it happened and sometimes it did not.

I have made mistakes and so has he.

Now he can be free to have his things to do, go to meet new people, stop being a hermit, and go to explore new places.

Hopefully, he will achieve all that he wants to do and needs to, that somehow my presence in his life stopped him or prevented him from finding his own courage!

He doesn't know where he is going to go or what he is going to do except he would like to book a flight ticket!

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

2014 New beginnings with closure of almost a lifetime

1st January 2014

Since two years ago when this blog ended and for many a year before that, there has and had been physical, mental and emotional upheaval, melodrama and ill-health one episode on top of another. 
I never faced up to that!  I often camouflaged my own truths. I even told lies!  Sometimes, one couldn't see or feel where the wound was!  So how could one heal?  However, in intervening moments there were many positive events glueing 'it' together, but not seamlessly.

It has taken a while to understand grief and bereavement that does not necessarily arise from death.

On reflection, I mourned not having a childhood with hugs and demonstrative love.  I didn't achieve  aspirations that my music teacher had for me, but I found the correct level of my abilities. 
I was successful.  I grieved over a failed marriage. I mourned the loss of a foetus.  I mourned when children 'grew up' and flew the nest. I did my best under the circumstances!  I worked/studied hard without enough playtime, in times of poverty, and yet, with support I invested wisely to be where I am today with a little help from friends.  I was desolate at the loss of a career to which I was devoted. I mourned the loss of womanhood which happens to many of us!  It had a greater impact than I ever realised.  I was bereft when I moved from my beautiful house that had been lovingly restored by hands of one I loved.  Rootless.  Restless.  I was LOSTINFRANCE even when I bought my own property again in which to shelter me and my belongings. I mourn the loss of youth and pretend I am 16, 26, 36, etcetera...
All that in my life was absolutely necessary so that I would face life, step up, grow up, increase my independence.
All that hid the makings of who I really am.
All that has brought me to where I am today.
All that was because from time to time people had faith in me when I didn't.
All that was because along the journey there were those who loved me for those moments in time.

All the tears of years has taken a huge emotional toll on my being, emotional damage, emotional outpourings to friends and family. Although not completely under control, my tears pour forth at angers, frustrations, overwhelming happinesses and sadnesses, be they mine or belonging to others. I am an emotional person and proud of it! Laughter is in my life to remind me about the absurdities of life. I try to love those who I think have wronged me. I try to love those who loved me. I try to love those who enter my personal space. I try hard to treat others as I would wish to be treated.
It doesn't always work out as I would like. I am imperfect.

When an adult cries it is because the inner child is asking to be healed, asking to be loved and understood because some event / words / action has caused the inner child to feel insecure, rejected, abandoned, confused, unloved......
When a child cries does one shout at it in anger?
When a child cries does one isolate it from humanity and love?
When a child cries does one criticize and blame it for weaknesses and faults and being incapable of dealing with whatever is the unknowing cause of unhappiness?
When a child cries do we belittle it, make it feel small and insignificant with our dominance in an attempt to show it who is boss, who is in control?

No... one gives it hugs and L-O-V-E and attempts to support the negativity and change that into positive elements.

One door closes and others open... and so it is so...
Opportunity arises from every adversity.
Suffering makes one stronger. 
Sometimes we fight against what is not good for us, believing that it is good.
We hang on like limpets when it is better to flow with the tide.
Sometimes we scuttle backwards and forwards over the same sand but without progress along the strand!
It is better to be a free bird than caged where wings are pinioned, feathers are dilapidated, preventing the lark from ascending!!!!!!!

I learned that I have been a slow learner. I've needed to be still, to have time and the opportunity to reflect and count blessings.  It's hard to define but I certainly have learned that no one is going to take away from me ever again my independence.  I have learned to be proud of my body and know that I own the power of Woman. 

I might amend the above... I'll see... but what I write is true and I write it for me and no one else......